The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce

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Author: Andrew Corish BA LlB – Accredited Specialist Family Law

Publish Date: February 2005

Judith Wallerstein is psychologist and leading researcher into family law issues in America. In 1971 she began a study of 60 families in California, interviewing the parents and in particular the children and continuing those interviews over a 25 year period. The children varied in age from 5 to 15 at the commencement of the study and at last interview were in their 30s or 40s.

Her research was published and became a best seller entitled “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce”. The conclusion she draws from her interviews make quite startling reading. The major conclusion is that divorce has a profound effect upon children and such effect was continuing upon the children into their adulthood. in particular affecting their relationships. The children were having great difficulty with commitment and entering into happy marriages and relationships, more so than the control group or general population. Perhaps surprisingly, the children of unhappy or dysfunctional marriages where the spouses had decided to stay together for the sake of the children, were doing significantly better than the children of divorce.

Unsurprisingly, divorce took a very toll upon parents as they attempted to readjust their lives after divorce, particularly the women. However, it was the devastation caused to the children which was surprisingly, particularly the reflections of the adult children of a divorce looking back. Dr Wallerstein emphasised that whilst parents who came to an amicable separation and avoided conflict in front of the children, it seemed to make little difference. The children were still devastated. The impact upon their lives showed up in increased patterns of drug and alcohol abuse, multiple sexual relationships at a young age, particularly among the girls and depression. Many of the troubled teenagers settled down and made a success of their lives, although the impact of the divorce remained very significant.

What was surprisingly was how much better and more positive was the experience of children where the parents made a decision to stay together for the children’s sake.

Secondly, what was very significant was what poor relationships the adult children of divorce had with parents who had insisted upon strict contact regimes. As soon as the children were old enough, they almost invariably abandoned any relationship with the adult parent who had inflicted this upon them. The report emphasised how little the children felt they were consulted. The idea that the Courts acted in their best interests or took into account their welfare, they certainly did not feel so.

The report emphasised that the court orders give the opportunity of developing a good relationship with the child. It is no guarantee and quite the contrary, children being forced to spend time with a contact parent was detrimental for the long-term relationship. Children appreciated parents who went out of their way to assist them and not disrupt their lives too much, recognising they needed to spend time in their home with their friends, with their sporting groups and not have this disrupted for the parent’s benefit of having contact time.

We are now seeing the impact of the children of the “divorce generation”. Their conclusions are quite surprising.

Dr Wallerstein emphasises the need for more attention to be paid to the children’s needs and wishes rather than parents’ rights and entitlements.

She considers the role of the Family Courts in America have with the rest of society has increased the suffering of children of divorce rather than protecting them. This is mainly as a result of not paying sufficient attention to the children’s needs and wishes.

A divorce culture has been created by this generation whereby now 45% of first marriages and 60% of second marriages are destined to end in divorce.

She quoted from Karl Menniger : “What’s done to children, they will do to society”.

We have created a new class of children who take care of themselves along with a whole generation of overburdened parents who have no time to enjoy the pleasures of parenting.

She considers that whilst we have created a new society with far greater freedom and opportunity, particularly for women, this has come at a high cost. Many people are in fact no better off and children are not receiving the same nurturance and protection.

There is consensus that children raised in divorce or remarried families are less well adjusted than adults raised in intact families.

Further, divorce is a cumulative experience. Its impact increases over time but particularly strikes the adolescent and young adult and continues well into adulthood.

For children, divorce is a frightening experience. Most are taken by surprise. The home becomes a lonely place. Many are forced to leave familiar schools, friends and support. Parents are preoccupied with work and rebuilding their social lives and have a lot less time and money to spend on their children. They have the difficulty of adapting to new stepparents.

The common cry of children of divorced parents once they are adults is: “I never want a child of mine to experience a childhood like I had”.

Children of divorced homes are more likely to be involved in early sexual experiences and abusive drugs.

But it is in adulthood that children of divorce suffer the most. They have difficulty finding sexual intimacy and commitment. They go onto to repeat the same mistakes as their parents in their relationships.

Andrew Corish

Accredited Family Law Specialist

Staunton & Thompson Solciitors

Manly and North Sydney

Ph: 9977 5000

Email: arc@stlegal.com.au